


When the world was you and me

by adotham (Bates)



Series: The moment always vanishing. [3]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Artist John, Ex Lovers, F/M, Letter, M/M, Mentions of Cancer, Mentions of prior character death, Modern AU, University AU, mentions of children, mentions of grief
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-07
Updated: 2016-03-07
Packaged: 2018-05-25 09:26:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,267
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6189055
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bates/pseuds/adotham
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>a modern lams au // John’s letter to Alexander. [<a href="http://confusedjimmy.tumblr.com/post/140588095800/ill-make-the-world-safe-and-sound-for-you-a">Follow up to this</a>]</p>
            </blockquote>





	When the world was you and me

It has indeed been a while, Alexander. It’s good to hear from you again.  At this point it’s just repeating words, but I’ve missed you too. I _did_ get your card – thank you for it. Eliza’s note inside was very sweet and reassuring. Frances is in love with the small angel pendant – she says it’s her mommy, right there. Thank you again. It’s really good to hear you’ve been doing good.

Oh god, those days. You never did apologize. I stopped counting one rainy Monday morning. The tally was at fifty, Alexander. _Fifty._ We were only together for a few years.

 _The slavery paper_. Alex, I still have nightmares about seeing you almost have a breakdown because it was six am, you hadn’t slept in two days and it still wasn’t done. I remember drugging your coffee so you wouldn’t. The meds didn’t even have an _effect_. You just got more energetic.  (Did I ever tell you about that? Because if I didn’t I’d like to formally apologize. I never meant to drug you.)

I know which picture you’re talking about. Though thank you for the copy – I lost mine a long time ago. It feels like such a long time ago Ham. Writing songs and playing the guitar, it’s all like a blast from the past. Can you imagine it’s only three years ago? Three years ago I wrote that song.

I never told you (I don’t think you caught on to that) but I believe that day was the day Martha told me. Told me that she was pregnant. Do you have any idea how the world fell out from under me that day? We weren’t even together anymore at that point and yet, it still felt like betrayal.

Maybe that is why we split up.

 

 _Coffee._ I still drink as much coffee as I did back then, perhaps more to be honest. Especially since Martha, the nights have been long. I’ll get into that in a minute, after I reply to what you wrote. So yes, oh god do I know what you mean when you mentioned the coffee. I actually laughed because there I was sat, drinking my fifth cup of the morning reading about our old addiction to coffee.

Some nights, I still ask myself why we did. I honestly don’t know. Maybe because of Martha and the pregnancy. To protect her. Maybe it wasn’t.

 

Congratulations on the marriage. I can’t believe it. Alexander Hamilton, _married and a father_. I never thought you’d be at twenty-five. You’ll probably laugh at me for this, but I quite honestly always imagined you as a thirty something that is still single. You work too much not to be. I’m glad Eliza isn’t too bothered by your work ethic. Eliza sounds wonderful and I’m honestly glad you found her. I’d love to meet her, one day.

Your son is beautiful. He looks like you too, even though you say that he looks like Eliza a lot. (You never did accept the fact that you _are_ adorable, did you?) You were right, it did make me smile. I feel honored that you’d think of me at a fact like that.

 

You are right, Alexander. I did roll my eyes. I’m sorry. I hope this time it _does_ stick. It seems like you really found a reason to fight this time. It’s noble. Let me know when you do step into politics, perhaps, you’ll have a right hand man. Would you like that?

Philip must be lucky, with a father as supportive as you are. It’s great to see you’ve been raising him this way. It’s what Martha and I tried to do with Frances as well. She cannot do the things we had to do. (Although I have to tell you, those nights are still remembered fondly. They are dear to me. I hope they are to you as well.)

 

 _How are we doing?_ We are struggling. In all honesty, we are struggling. Martha’s passing made me realize how much of my life revolved around her, how much she took control of everything. Perhaps it’s not very ‘manly’ of me to admit it, but without my wife’s scheduling everything is a bit of a mess. I have missed so many of Frances’s soccer practices. There are so many restless nights.

Frances is wonderful. Beautiful. Blonde hair, biggest of hearts. Her smiles and laughter brighten up my day. She’s very caring – she took after her mother for that one. We have this littlest of dogs and she adores her. Cookie – yes, we let our one-year-old name a dog, shut your mouth Alexander Hamilton – has been growing with her and been her best buddy. I’ll add a picture of the two of them.

You know, up until we had her, I thought I had felt love. I _thought_ I loved you, I thought I felt affection for Martha. Oh, was I wrong. Having her taught me what love is, what it _truly_ is. Every day, she does new things and it makes me feel prouder and prouder each day.

 

As to me, Alexander. I am still the same guy I was when I left the apartment. I did try to chase my dreams, but they flew away. Martha got sick a year ago, when I was halfway through a children’s book and Frances barely two years old. Suddenly the street lights were all turned to red and we had those moments to focus on.

Living with someone who is suffering from cancer is not easy. There are the hard days. There were days I had to carry Martha to our bed from the bathroom because she was weak and vulnerable and her muscles trembled with each step she tried to take. Some days were the good days. I try to remember those, but it doesn’t always work.

There are just moments that words can’t describe the hurt and sorrow you feel. Losing Martha was one of those days. As I may have said before, I don’t know if I was ever honestly in love with her. Love is confusing and terrifying, but I do know that cared for her. Cared for her more than she ever knew.

Alexander, allow me to share a good day with you. Allow me to send you a copy of my favorite picture of my wife and daughter. It was just a few weeks before the diagnosis. Martha was already feeling sick, but she powered through. I swear Alexander, she was a battery that never ran out. This picture is before Frances’s hair lightened up.

Frances always laughed when you threw her in the air and caught her, dipped her real low and did the same thing. Sometimes, I still do it and she still laughs and screams and yells ‘papa more!’ but it’s not the same. It was one of those moments, when she dipped Frances real low and pressed a kiss to her head that I caught.

 

I thank you for that. I didn’t know if it would be alright if I would show up. There have been moments at which it all seemed too much, that I wanted to reach out. It’s good to know I can. Perhaps I will take you up on it one day. Like I said before, I’d love to meet the family you’re so proud of.

Same goes for you. You and your family are always welcome at our house. Call before you come, because between running groceries and soccer practice, we’re out on nature walks a lot, but you’re always welcome. _Always._

 

With love,

John.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading. ♥ Credits are over at [tumblr](http://confusedjimmy.tumblr.com/post/140649347380/when-the-world-was-you-and-me-a-modern-lams-au) for now, but I'll add them here asap.


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